caroline9205's Blog

BIG step into my future!

Today is Friday, January 11th 2013. It's about 8:31pm and I just got home from St. Louis, Missouri!! I was at meps all day today... slowly going through the process of enlisting into the United States Air Force. Say Hello to your newest Airman! I got through it all and I got in!!! I'm going to travel the world and see and do and experience all the things I'v ever dreamed of..and I'm going to get paid to do it. I'm so happy right now... SO HAPPY!

I'm lazy sometimes...I can't help it.

well obviously if you have kept track of my previous blogs.. I don't continuously get on here to write on my blog. I get lazy and I don't always want to write or talk about myself or my day.. sometimes I think im really just looking for feedback. Attention. Someone to talk to me.. I get lonely :(..

It's been a while you guys..

Dear EP Diary,

It has been way too long since I'v posted! So much has happened! So much has been left out! agh! Where to start, where to start!?

First off..that Jake guy, ya totally over it. He's a complete and total Douche Bag. He said some pretty damn harsh and disrespectful things to me and I'v decided that I won't let a man control my emotions or my life and that it was time to build a bridge, and get the hell over it. So I did. I got over it.

I hadn't mentioned before, that I had been living with my grandmother for about 8 months. I moved out of my parents house to live with her when my mother and I got in a pretty big fight. I just recently moved back in with my parents. Were on GREAT terms and our relationship has never been better!

I got a new job! Not just a new job, but a real job! A respectable job! A job that im proud to say I work at! No more working with fast food or some dirty beat down restaraunt or cleaning houses.. I have an awesome job!I'm a life skills trainer/therapist for brain damaged participants at Neuro Restorative. I can't explain the love I have for my job and the people I work with everyday. I'v been getting to know my participants, hearing their stories about their previous lives, hearing their stories about their accidents and how they became brain damaged. Their so loving and kind! I'm beyong proud of my occupation and I'm so blessed that a Job like this has come my way! It's definitely a feel good job, and it's emotionally rewarding in every way!

I'v finally decided what I want to go to school for. I'm going to school for nursing! I want to be an RN. I start school next semester and I'm beyond thrilled!

So many great things have happened for me lately. I'm so totally thankful for it all. I'v done alot of thinking lately and before, I had been so determined to find Mr. Right. I was so obsessed with the idea of being in love with someone, but I'm only 18. I don't want to be in love with anyone yet. I want to focus on my job, school, and all my hopes, dreams, and goals! I want to live my life, no settle down with some young immature boy. I want to travel and I want to move away to a big city. I want to experience all that I can! My focus is no longer on boys. My focus is on ME and my life and living it to the fullest.

I can't wait to write again tomorrow and fill you in on my day. Talk to you soon.

xoxo Caroline

Blah...Blah....Blah.... 3

So I was talking to Maddie(friend) about Jake... I asked her "What do I have to do to get Jake out of my mind? I can't stand it, it's like as soon as I start having a good time and I'm not thinking about him...he leaks his way back in" She told me there's really nothing I can do.. She says she's still figuring out how to get her ex out of her head too.. and it's been 8 months for her.

Even though I'm out distracting myself and acting like I'm all happy and single and lovin it..blah blah blah.. I'm seriously just dying inside. My heart hurts everyday because of him. I'm secretely hoping that he's gonna fight for me and call me and beg for me back saying he can't live without me and that I'm the one he wants to be with.. but I already know that he's never going to do that. He never liked me. He never cared. I was his own personal game and I didn't even know I was playing along with it. I was his entertainment and he was a pro at pretending to be someone I thought I loved...well Someone I did love. I did, I loved him. I'm young.. but I'm not stupid and I know what It feels like to love somebody. I hate that I had to love somebody who didn't love me back..or even care about me at all for that matter. I feel very alone right now. I feel very unwanted. I try so hard not to "look" for love..but it's like that's all I can think about. My biggest fear in life is that I'll never find that one special someone that I'm supposed to be with forever. I don't want to grow old alone... I want to get married and have children one day. I want to have a nice job and a nice home with a dog and maybe a cat... I want to have a happy joyful family and I want my life to be simple..and loving. Is that really so much to ask for?

I pray to god. I pray to him that he'll send me a handsome, kind, loving, faithful Man. I just really hope I don't have to wait 10 years to finally meet him.  Im alone! Im saying it loud and clear! I don't just want someone, I need someone. I just need someone to be there for me... I really do. My heart is completely broken right now, and I just need someone to come fix it, pick me up and put me back together again. Make me whole again. Make me HAPPY again...

I'll never stop hoping or praying.. I just hope my prayer is answered soon.

My mood: pretty blah

(Wednesday, October 10th, 2012) Dear Diary,

I woke up this morning in a really sad mood... I was having a dream about Jake..
I just don't understand what I'm supposed to do. My heart craves  him and wants him every second of everyday. I truly do love him, but my mind tells me to move on. He really has wasted alot of my time... and I don't believe he truly wants to be with me. That thought just breaks me down..but It's the truth. He doesn't really want me. I know it was the right thing to do when I told him we were done.. but my heart just really hurts from it right now. I need someone to come distract me from it all or come pick up the pieces of my broken heart for me...

I'm going to have to go work out or go walking and get the seratonin in my mind going! It's my day off work and I refuse to STAY sad today. I have a dr. appt with my OB-GYN around 1pm ......yaaaa NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO IT! Stupid annual paps! After I go to going to pick up a friend from work and drive her around so she can run some errands(she has no car) and then I'm gonna go home and put on my cutest jeans and my big girl high heel boots and im going to find something exciting to do this evening!

It would just be so nice to have.....

It would just be so nice to have a man to love....

I know I don't NEED a man to be happy. I don't even NEED a man, Period.
It would just be really awesome to have someone to buy sweet gifts for on Valentine's day and christmas and their birthdays. It would be comforting to have someone to call when my day was crap, or when Im just in a down mood, or just to call to hear a certain someone's voice. I wish I had someone to snuggle up to on the couch and watch tv with. I wish I had someone to make dinner for.  I crave the love and attention from a man, someone to take me out on dates, kiss me whenever they want, someone to sing along with me to the songs on the radio...  Some who trusted me enough to tell me everything about themselves, to share with me their deepest darkest secrets, and to love me and trust me enough to know it would stay just between the two of us.  I'v been in love before, the feeling wasn't mutual, so that's where it ended...but I just miss the feeling. I had someone to think about all the time, someone to care about, and an extra dose of happiness each waking day....

OKay, enough about my romantic wants!

So today was pretty good. I had work at 11. The big boss man(who is seriously only 19 years old! Crazy right!?) invited everyone out for dinner at lambert' hour and a half away. I was more than eager for the trip out of this dinky little town im stuck in! I went with him and 2 other coworkers of mine. It was an absolutely lovely evening. We truly bonded!  We all shared the troubles in our familes... you would be amazed at the family drama's other people are going through. People who seem like their life is just peaches and cream, can be the ones with the most pain filled lives! Ms. Rhonda (one of the 2 coworkers, around 40+ years old) is just obnoxious and a blast...She tried throwing dinner rolls at our waitor. hahaha. Corey (The big boss man) shared with me the story of how his little brother put butter on the floor while he was in the shower once and when he got out he busted his head on the toilet while he was butt ass naked! His grandmother came in after hearing his shrieks of pain to find him on the floor covered up with her cheeta print snuggie, crying like a little girl..(might i remind you...hes 19 years old). I almost died of laughter, I was definitly crying from laughing so hard... I invisioned it all and it just cracked me up...My boss, butt naked, coverd half way with a cheetah print snuggie, crying on the floor next to the toilet.... priceless. JB ( my other coworker) who obviously doesn't go out to eat at restaraunts often...she asked our waitor "If I get a soda, will i get a free refill?".  I just looked at her and asked "did you really just ask that?" and then I started laughing my ass off.  It was one interesting crowd to eat dinner with. The big boss man covered our check and tip ( how sweet of him right!?) Then on the way home, we took a wrong turn and almost ended up in chicago. haha.  Definitley nowhere near home.

Today was good, definitely more eventful than yesterday, and I have the next 2 days off work... what will I do with my time!? You'll hear about it later on ;)  

Thanks for reading in.

Sincerely, Caroline ♥

Dear Online Public Diary.....

Lets see... where to start?

I woke up this morning from a really obnoxious dream... I dreamt that I had a baby and I kept forgetting her at home when i went out with my friends.. It's really been bugging me. I would never do such a thing and Im really kinda pissed at myself for even dreaming of such crap! 

I finally decided to stop thinking about the stupid dream and declared that it was time to get my ass out of bed and get ready for work. I look at my phone and great.. it's 10:30 and my shift starts at 11! In my rush to get to work on time I forgot my socks..and my name tag. Lovely. On the bright side I made it to work only 5 minutes late (:

Work was decent until I dropped a basket of fries into the vat and unfortunately my right arm was showered with the scolding hott oil. I now look like my arm has a bubbly skin disease on it. Then to top it all off, my boss asked me to stay for a second shift. Im broke and in need of hours... but I want to go home and sleep instead! I accepted the extra shift... Once again,lovely.

I almost made it all the way through my day without thinking about FuckFace (His name is Jake, but we'll refer to his as FuckFace. Sorry, Im not sorry.) He played games with my head for almost 11 months, broke my heart, made a fool of me.. and yet I still cant get him out of my head. It's like he's haunting me! wahh! I need a replacement pronto!

Today was just annoying. Hopefully something more exciting happens tomorrow. I need some excitement for sure..and a replacement for FuckFace. Im gonna work on that most definitely....but for now, Im gonna go eat some food! uhm YUM!.  

1-7 of 7 Blogs   

Previous Posts
BIG step into my future!, posted January 11th, 2013
I'm lazy sometimes...I can't help it., posted January 9th, 2013
It's been a while you guys.., posted November 21st, 2012
Blah...Blah....Blah.... 3, posted October 11th, 2012
(Wednesday, October 10th, 2012) Dear Diary,, posted October 10th, 2012
It would just be so nice to have....., posted October 10th, 2012
Dear Online Public Diary....., posted October 8th, 2012

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